What Does Mania Actually Feel Like From the Inside?

My book, The Dialectics of Mania, documents the most significant manic episode of my life. Looking back, there were many signs that I was becoming unwell long before the episode itself. For almost twelve months, I experienced increasing instability, eventually losing two jobs. I believe those losses contributed to the eventual shattering of my reality.

The hardest thing to explain about mania is that, at the time, nothing feels wrong. Everything feels exciting. Everything feels important. Everything feels urgent. I felt compelled to pray, connect with God, understand the universe, start a business, build a platform that could change the world, and finish all of my writing projects. Not eventually. Immediately. It felt as though I needed to accomplish everything in a single day.

At the same time, while ideas flowed endlessly, I struggled to organise them into anything coherent. My thoughts raced so quickly that everything became a blur. I was desperately trying to make sense of what was happening, but the faster my mind moved, the less sense it all seemed to make.

There was also a feeling of invincibility. It was as though the normal rules of life no longer applied. At one moment I felt capable of anything; at another, I felt intense fear and hypervigilance. Mania was not simply confidence or happiness. It was excitement, confusion, fear, urgency, and grandiosity all happening at once.

Perhaps the strongest feeling was excitement. I would wake at four or five in the morning eager to begin the day. Sleep felt unnecessary. My mind was overflowing with ideas. Time seemed to move faster than normal, and I felt deeply connected to the world around me.

Yet mania comes at a cost. Living with schizoaffective disorder and bipolar disorder has taught me that the highs and lows are connected. While the highs can feel productive, exciting, and meaningful, they can also lead to poor decisions, damaged relationships, hospitalisation, and loss of control. Mania is full of contradictions. It can feel exhilarating and terrifying, empowering and overwhelming, meaningful and confusing. It is chaos in its purest form.

If you would like to learn more about what it is like to experience mania from the inside, The Dialectics of Mania documents my journey through one of the most significant episodes of my life. It is available now through Amazon, Booktopia, Abbey's, T.G. Jones and other retailers.